2005-07-31

red bricks

I feel like death is looking over my left shoulder.
I never make plans for more than a couple weeks in advance because i wonder if i will even be alive then, and whats the point of making plans for something when you will be dead?
Whats so great about staying alive?
What if I left? One less dissapointment, one less person that cannot afford to send Christmas presents. Would I even be missed? There is nothing, I feel, left for me here to experience. I cannot support myself, I dont want to sell myself, I dont want to lie. I am done, I am done with this entire thing. The only way out is to become/pretend to be someone Im not. To dress up as someone pretty, someone popular, when underneath im still the new girl with big ears and bad teeth. So I work until i die, and watch my wasted intelligence drift out the window.
Everyone i see is 'well adjusted,' can tolerarate and fit into society. i still feel like the new kid no one wants to acknowledge, sitting in a corner, plotting the demise of humanity.
i dont know why i do things. i have to check the stove 3 or 4 times each time i leave to make sure its turned off, even if i didnt use it that day. i return home several times before i actually leave to make sure the door is locked. i walk back to my car more than twice each time i leave it to make absolutely sure i remembered to put it in park.
do i not trust myself? or am i just compulsive?
and im tired allllllll the time. thats how low paying jobs get you. they pay you just enough to get by, but make sure you are so exausted the next day that you cannot find the energy to look for a better job.
i fall in love with objects sometimes.
little things i see, nothing ever expensive.
i dont buy these things or they would be the only thing i look at or pay attention to.
i dont know why i do this. ive tried to supress this desire and several others on my 'quest for normalcy,' but some will not be ignored unfortunately.
im just tired. i know im not going to fit in or be a part of anything, and that im the only one like me out there. its very lonely to think that the people that love me are merely tolerating me or just holding my hand. perhaps its time to start over. all over again.

2005-07-30

To have good days, you must have bad days...

Hokay, the events of yesterday were as such:

1) i get a letter from the Blood Center i recently donated to, the place that, in writing, told me they would not bother contacting me unless something was wrong (found HIV, hepatitis, etc) with my donation.
So i understandably freak out and tear the letter open while sweating and cursing the postal service.
Apparently i have low cholesterol. Congratulations to me.

2) get to work. a prissy employee confronts me about something i still have no clue about and pretty much bullies me into giving up a good station. as any who have been waiters know, a good station means more money. I am passive enough not to want any drama at work so i just blow it off, but the event pretty much sets the precedence for the remainder of the work day.

3) *MAXI PAD* found by table 69.
yeeeup. thats what i said. i walked by it a couple times thinking it was a piece of paper, but the shape of it kept scaring me. and no one else would touch it, so im the one that ended up getting rid of it while the fat nasty ghetto whores at the table looked at me like they knew nothing of it, when in actuality it probably fell out of one of thier huge purses and they were too embarrassed to pick it up. cunts.

4) Spilled honey mustard all over myself and my busboy in front of customers.

5) Lost $25 of my tips from a mistake by the manager (cunt) and spent ten minutes digging through the garbage to recover a lost giftcard that might help me get that money back.


So....my thoughts are, in order to have really good days, there must be something to compare them to that makes them really good. so there. sigh.

2005-07-24

wtf mate?

why the fuck did i spend all the money on C++ classes if i cant figure out a weblog? I blame the government.

the people upstairs

....need to die. she has a large butt and he looks so completly whipped into submission by such enormous anus that i doubt he realizes he wearing a long sleeved flannel shirt and khaki shorts in 87 degree weather. their only redeeming quality is that they invested in wireless internet, which i now steal with my nifty airport card. ha. ha.